Wow.. its been a loooooong time since I wrote in this journal.. or any journal for the that matter.. I've been posting blogs here and there on myspace but it's mostly just my crappy attempt at poetry and some song lyrics.. When/If I get the chance I'll start transferring some of my tolerable writing over to here but for now Im too tired and I have a to do list still that three miles long.. I've been asked the question before.."If you could have any superpower in the world.. anything you can imagine what would it be?" My answer is simple.. I would have the ability to manipulate time.. Regret and guilt are two of the most intolerable emotions I can think of and yet my life is filled with them..If I could only go back and do it all over again knowing then what I know now.. how different would things be.. How different would I be? That's not to say I don't like who I am.. just that I don't like the things I had to do and go through and put other people through to become this person.. Hindsight is 20/20 so they say but if only I had the chance to correct all those senseless wrongs and make right what went so very wrong in my past.. As a matter of fact that's the only thing I would change about myself if given the oppertunity to do so.. My past.. so violent and full of tears and anger and shame.. Why does it have to be that way? Why does there have to be so much lonliness and cruelty and ugliness in a world that's so beautiful? Sometimes I feel so lost.. so far down a well that I fear I'll never find my way out and even if I do... what will I have? I've spent the majority of my life so far learning the hard way what not to do.. I worry that by the time I figure it out (if ever) I wont have much life left to live? Why is it that the hardest lessons I have to learn are always the most painful? Why is it that the more agonizing the consequence for the mistake that I've made the more apt I am to make it again? I feel like my life is passing through my fingertips and I remember a time when I thought I was going to change something.. I thought I was going to do things.. BIG things and now I have a hard time just making it to work. I feel inadequate in so many ways.. It's daunting.. but tomorrow is a new day full of new challenges and new heartaches and new chances to see the world in a different light..
"The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heaven of Hell, a hell of Heaven."
JOHN MILTON, Paradise Lost