Wow.. its been a loooooong time since I wrote in this journal.. or any journal for the that matter.. I've been posting blogs here and there on myspace but it's mostly just my crappy attempt at poetry and some song lyrics.. When/If I get the chance I'll start transferring some of my tolerable writing over to here but for now Im too tired and I have a to do list still that three miles long.. I've been asked the question before.."If you could have any superpower in the world.. anything you can imagine what would it be?" My answer is simple.. I would have the ability to manipulate time.. Regret and guilt are two of the most intolerable emotions I can think of and yet my life is filled with them..If I could only go back and do it all over again knowing then what I know now.. how different would things be.. How different would I be? That's not to say I don't like who I am.. just that I don't like the things I had to do and go through and put other people through to become this person.. Hindsight is 20/20 so they say but if only I had the chance to correct all those senseless wrongs and make right what went so very wrong in my past.. As a matter of fact that's the only thing I would change about myself if given the oppertunity to do so.. My past.. so violent and full of tears and anger and shame.. Why does it have to be that way? Why does there have to be so much lonliness and cruelty and ugliness in a world that's so beautiful? Sometimes I feel so lost.. so far down a well that I fear I'll never find my way out and even if I do... what will I have? I've spent the majority of my life so far learning the hard way what not to do.. I worry that by the time I figure it out (if ever) I wont have much life left to live? Why is it that the hardest lessons I have to learn are always the most painful? Why is it that the more agonizing the consequence for the mistake that I've made the more apt I am to make it again? I feel like my life is passing through my fingertips and I remember a time when I thought I was going to change something.. I thought I was going to do things.. BIG things and now I have a hard time just making it to work. I feel inadequate in so many ways.. It's daunting.. but tomorrow is a new day full of new challenges and new heartaches and new chances to see the world in a different light..
"The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a heaven of Hell, a hell of Heaven."
JOHN MILTON, Paradise Lost

Feeling a little better today.;. hung out a bit in the chat rooms last night.. that can be addicting... anyway.. gotta run!

I feel like shit today.. work sucks! It's worse when you get home from roaming around Walmart for two hours since you don't want to go home and it's already 3 in the morning.. I just keep telling myself.. things will get easier.. things will get better... but WILL they? I mean there's really no guarantee of that.. Right? I mean, I am sure there are cases where people have kept telling themselves that for YEARS and things NEVER actually got any better... I am just feeling sorry for myself and taking for granted (ONCE AGAIN) the fact that there are MILLIONS of people out there that have it much worse than I do... MUCH worse... I hate feeling like this... I miss having R.D around.. no matter what was going on, no matter what shit was hitting the fan - when he was there, things just seemed like they were going to be okay... Now that he's gone.. I feel like I am floating without a life boat in the middle of this immeasurable ocean somewhere where no one is ever going to find me.. It feels like I am going to have to keep treading water here until, one day I will just be too tired to keep kicking my legs and sink.. What's worse is that having him in my life as a "friend" is so good and yet so bad at the same time.. Like he's a rescue boat that keeps floating by but won't stop to get me... but at the same time this provision (by provision I mean he and I being civil to eachother and talking to eachother every other day or so) feels like my only lifeline to sanity sometimes.. But he keeps dangling the "chance" of an "us" like a carrot to an ass ( pardon the pun there )... When we talk about our future or the possiblity OF a future for us rather.. it is so full of "maybes" and "I don't knows".. it's discouraging and encouraging at the same time... The idea of living a life without him is just barely starting to sink in and I don't like the puddles it's making... I will never love another and scripturally I will never be ABLE to be with another and I hate myself too much to spend the rest of my life with just me.. At least I've only cut myself once since it happened so that's good new or progress at least.. I am still not sleeping or eating though.. I am losing more wieght and that isn't good.. I'm down to like 75 pounds.. I talked to R.D. yesterday and told him "YEAH... I'm doing FINE!!! Gaining weight eating and sleeping.. it's getting easier.." when really the exact opposite of that is the truth... it seems to be getting harder.. I know that my creator wouldn't give me more weight than I can bear but I am pretty much at my limit... I've taken it to prayer with him just about every day... Praying for strength, endurance and help.. Jesus says to throw your burden on him and I am trying but it's not as easy as it seems... I just hope something happens soon.. My legs are getting mighty tired already and the sharks are starting to circle...

Well... I am feeling a little low today... Not sure why.. probably because I haven't slept more than a couple of hours in like 3 days.. Stress man... It surprises me how stress can really effect people.. You know.. the whole concept that our brains can PHYSICALLY develop an illness in our bodies is just mind boggling.. I read in Time magazine the other day that doctors and scientists are both now admitting that you CAN die from a broken heart... If that's truly the case than I know of a lot of people who have dodged that bullet, myself included.. okay that's it.. it's late - I'm out...

Well... I have gone and done it again.. I have overidden my better judgement and made the wrong choice.. again and AGAIN it has been my downfall... I guess it will continue to be until I am able to not only discern what is right from wrong, but choose what is right over what is wrong.. becasue nine times out of ten, in my life, what I want is normally what is wrong and what is right is usually what I need... I keep going with what I want over what I need I guess because I lack self control or boundaries or maybe i just don't care anymore.. No, that isn't it.. maybe it's just that I am frustrated with myself beyond "planning" or "restructuring".. My guess is it would lean more to the latter rather than the former.. I have never been hopeless.. even in hopeless situations I just don't allow myself to get that far down the line..not to where you just don't care anymore, but where you just don't care anymore and you never do again... I am a survivor and I will survive this.. I have survived much worse than this.. Pffft... Besides what's the alternative??